The Illusion
that time I learned I have no control, and remembered where my hope comes from
Several years ago, my husband and I planned to celebrate our anniversary with a weekend away in one of our favorite mountain towns. Magical quaintness oozes out of every corner of Breckenridge, Colorado, and it reminds me that I’m actually living very close to a real life Hallmark movie. It’s about a two hour drive from our house, and the views along the way are breathtaking.
This trip was also significant because it was the first time we left our kids alone overnight. They were 17 and 15 at the time, and we decided we would try an overnight trip when one of them could drive. Yes, 17 is a full year past the driving age, and I will freely admit that I dragged my feet a bit, putting it off until I felt some peace about it.
If you’re new here, hi. I’m a control freak. Nice to meet you.
So the trip was planned, and like clockwork, I imagined all the scenarios that could possibly take place. But my real-life imagination was nothing like the movies from the 1980’s. I wasn’t worried about a keg party getting out of control or someone’s car getting stuck in our lawn. I didn’t have concerns over someone spilling red wine all over my favorite white leather skirt and jacket that my daughter stole from my closet. (Gosh, 80’s movies were the best!)
No. I worried about fires. And carbon monoxide. And choking.
In my mind, those were LOGICAL concerns. Which meant it was totally appropriate to obsess over all the things that could logically go wrong.
My main source of comfort was that we had security cameras. I knew that if motion was detected on the front porch at 2 a.m. then I would be able to immediately call the police. Or at least check the camera to be sure it was just the wind blowing, and not an intruder. The camera offered some level of reassurance illusion that I would have control of the situation even while away from home.
Just before we left, an Amazon package was delivered, but I noticed the notification didn’t pop up on my phone. So my husband reset the front porch camera, and we finished loading our luggage into the car.
“Let me just make sure the camera is connected again,” I said oh-so-casually as I climbed into the front seat. After about 10 minutes of sitting in the driveway obsessing over the app on my phone, he finally told me that he didn’t know what was wrong with the camera, but that we needed to get going.
I stared blankly ahead. Get going?
Do you mean leave town when you have a dysfunctional front porch camera (and also, wife)?
There is no way I can comfortably leave town knowing that the CAMERA ISN’T WORKING!
As you’ll recall, it was my main source of hope for comfort and security. And it was suddenly useless.
I’ll spare you the next half hour of our conversation and just skip to the part where we’re driving down the interstate while I’m obsessively refreshing the app, checking to see if the camera was back online.
Control.
What a word. What a concept. What a laugh.
When I realize that control is actually an illusion, I can react in one of two ways:
Completely freak out, look at everything with questioning eyes, and long for access to a sedative through an iv drip.
Take a deep breath and release the fear I’m clinging to, surrendering it to our loving God who is always, always working things out for our good and His glory.
Depending on the day, I’ve actually found myself in both places. And obviously option 2 is the sweet spot. It just takes a little practice getting there.
We were not meant to control the outcomes or circumstances we encounter in life, and what a relief that is! We are, however, asked to trust. God explicitly reveals throughout scripture that we don’t have to be afraid of all the “what ifs.” He is sovereign, omnipresent, and omniscient. Being in control is literally part of who He is!
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
The more time we spend with God and reading scripture, the more we know about His character. As followers of Jesus, we can take comfort in knowing that we don’t have control over our circumstances, but He does! I’m not being trite when I say “so just don’t worry about it!” because I’m preaching to myself here. I know it’s not that simple.
But I know that when I have stepped back and released control (usually because I had no other option, honestly), God has shown up in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I could write a book about all the times that He worked things out for our good. (Hmmm. Maybe I will.)
The camera was never fixed that day, but the trip was still wonderful. I prayed that God would bring comfort to me when I had moments of panic. I had no choice but to release control and trust Him with the details of that situation.
I think control has such a strong pull on us because the root of its existence is fear. Fear of things not going the way we want. Fear of the worst case scenario actually coming true. Fear that if we don’t do all we can on our end, things will unravel and spiral out of control.
Control can easily become an idol if we view it as our source for hope and security.
Because we often believe we know what’s best for our lives. We want to be the author of our own script. The director of our own timeline. I’ve whipped myself into a frenzy more times than I can count by trying to manipulate and control outcomes in life. But in the end, all of that effort is useless.
I have to make a conscious choice every day. It’s not a one-and-done kind of thing, but a daily surrender of everything I want, hope for, dream of, and even fear. And in this season of life, there are so many things that remain unknown that I would very much like to have control over. But ultimately, whatever God ordains is far greater than anything I could ever manufacture on my own.
Every time we practice releasing control, we build our spiritual muscles. We’re training for all the times we will find ourselves solely relying on Jesus instead of our own strength, ability, or (gasp) control.
For the rest of my life, I pray He will continue to remind me that I can’t control all the things. My days are so much more peaceful when I can find rest in that truth. He is the true source of our hope and security.
Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
- Psalms 62:5-6
I should read this daily! So good and MUCH needed.
Thank you for sharing this great reminder. **Fellow controller over here.**